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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Delilah’s Killer Finally Facing Justice

05 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in crime

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Tags

delilah, knife, laughing, Llangollen, panties, utter horseshit, Wales

Investigators working on the 1960’s murder case of Delilah have uncovered stark new evidence. The evidence in question amounts to a full audio confession from the alleged killer, and provides an insight into his motives for the heinous crime.

The unnamed (alleged) assailant was arrested by Welsh police late last night in what was called Operation Pantythrow.

A full transcript of the confession was produced but not made officially available to us. However, some of the main points were leaked to us by an anonymous internal police administration worker named Dai Llewllyn.

The unnamed attacker was reported to have been passing by the house of the victim. On the night that he passed by her window, he claimed to have seen her silhouette against the window curtain and she was in the arms of another man. Having later confronted her on the matter, asking “why” repeatedly, he managed to obtain the murder weapon – a knife – and stabbed her fatally. He claimed provocation as a mitigating circumstance, citing her repeated laughing and taunting. “I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more“, he said, when questioned by interrogators.

DelilahSilhouette

Delilah and some chap, 1968-ish

When asked why he felt he had the right to confront the victim with her alleged deceit, the alleged attacker said “she was my woman” and that her deception caused him to go out of his mind.

Several expert criminal psychologists will be consulted to determine whether this man will be deemed fit to stand trial. The fact that his confession was, bizarrely, sung to police will be also used as evidence in the trial.

The man was later heard babbling in his cell while asking his alleged victim for forgiveness, as he “just couldn’t take any more.” He has indicated that he will also be suing the police for criminal damage caused by breaking down his door during the arrest.

A file has been sent to the Director Of Public Prosecutions.

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Definitive Proof Of God’s Existence Found

03 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in religion

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Tags

acupuncunturist, atheism, atheist, blackberries, blackberry, deranged, existence, existentialism, god, monotheism, proof, proof of god, religion, snot, theism

God Botherers all over the globe claimed a victory yesterday after definitive proof of the existence of their god was published.

A self-proclaimed faith healer, acupuncunturist and water diviner from West Cork, Ireland named Joe Smith has shown the world what he calls “inconvertible proof” of the existence of a deity. He calls this deity “God” and says “he’s the one true god. The other gods that exist are all false. I goes to mass fairly regular, like, so I’d know an’ tha’.”

We went to see him on one of his regular fruit picking excursions, down the by-roads of County Cork.

the-tramp

Joe picking blackberries down the road

“I went out pickin’ blackberries the other day and God spoke to me from the sky. I’m not surprised that he did ‘cos I says prayers most days and I’m awful holy. He told me where the blackberries were and said he liked my tee shirt. He had a big beard and stuff. And a big deep voice, like. I asked him if I could take a picture of him with my iPhone and he said yeah so he did.”

“After posing for me, I asked if he’d mind answering a few questions for me and he said yeah.”

“My first question was ‘Is there a God, like?’ and he said yeah. So there definitely is a Him” he told us.

“Then, I asked if there was an afterlife and he said yeah.”

“I said ‘Really, like?’ and he said yeah.”

“So I asked ‘What about the Earth and the Heavens – did you create them too?’ an’ he said yeah.”

“Ha ha“, said Joe, “that’s one right up Dawkins’ hole!”

“God asked me who Dawkins is and I told him he’s that snooty English fella who says he doesn’t exist and he should Google him.”

“He responded right away – because he’s God – that he Googled him in a microsecond and that he knows all about Dawkins now. And that he’s going to go to Hell forever and ever. Amen.”

“There’s all the proof you need, like” Joe said, before texting us the picture he took from his mobile phone. We have included it below to substantiate his story. “Them Atheists are full of shit” he said through a river of snot.

Joe then told us that he had to get home soon after that because he had enough blackberries for two pounds of jam and the flies were showing too much interest. And “the mother’d have the tea ready“.

103-IMG_0831-BonoIsGod-1.0

God, recently

Ballybricken French to be granted official language status

02 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics

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ballybgicken, ballybricken, language, waterford

The Irish Government has had a European High Court ruling overturned in their favour, making Ballybricken French a recognised language of the EU. The EU Supreme Court ruling will come into effect on 1st January 2014. Euro coins and notes bearing the emblem of the Bullpost will be produced by the Royal Dutch Mint from mid-2015. Local winos and smack heads will have their faces embossed on the 1c, 2c and 5c coins.

Waterford Mayor, Alderman S. Walk, in a press release, told of his joy at the outcome of this decision. “This is a ggeat victogy fog the pgoud people of Wategfogd. Ballybgicken Fgench, a mainstay language of oug nation, finally has the gecognition it desegves. No longeg will the dgead of oug histogical language being consigned to the dustbin of histogy hang oveg us.”

He went on, “I ggook foghwaghd to ough schooghls and thighd lghevel institutions pghopaghating this most ighllustghious of lghanghuaghes thghoughout the bghilliant young minds of the new geneghation of chilghdghen and to see it thghive, nay, sughvive the ghavaghes of decay and neghleght.”

He went on.

The Depagtment, I mean Department Of Education has issued tenders to local scholars of the language for the design and maintenance of a new, living curriculum centred on the ancient tongue. Nobody is expected to respond because native speakers are mostly all over 80 now. Or dead. There’s only D4 wannabes and fucking Tramore West shitheads left and they don’t even know it exists.

A special limited-edition of the coin set will be available early next year. The €2 coin will have a picture of Tawdy in a hi-vis jacket on the reverse. On his bench.

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Sometimes serious, sometimes not. Work it out.

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