acupuncunturist, atheism, atheist, blackberries, blackberry, deranged, existence, existentialism, god, monotheism, proof, proof of god, religion, snot, theism
God Botherers all over the globe claimed a victory yesterday after definitive proof of the existence of their god was published.
A self-proclaimed faith healer, acupuncunturist and water diviner from West Cork, Ireland named Joe Smith has shown the world what he calls “inconvertible proof” of the existence of a deity. He calls this deity “God” and says “he’s the one true god. The other gods that exist are all false. I goes to mass fairly regular, like, so I’d know an’ tha’.”
We went to see him on one of his regular fruit picking excursions, down the by-roads of County Cork.
“I went out pickin’ blackberries the other day and God spoke to me from the sky. I’m not surprised that he did ‘cos I says prayers most days and I’m awful holy. He told me where the blackberries were and said he liked my tee shirt. He had a big beard and stuff. And a big deep voice, like. I asked him if I could take a picture of him with my iPhone and he said yeah so he did.”
“After posing for me, I asked if he’d mind answering a few questions for me and he said yeah.”
“My first question was ‘Is there a God, like?’ and he said yeah. So there definitely is a Him” he told us.
“Then, I asked if there was an afterlife and he said yeah.”
“I said ‘Really, like?’ and he said yeah.”
“So I asked ‘What about the Earth and the Heavens – did you create them too?’ an’ he said yeah.”
“Ha ha“, said Joe, “that’s one right up Dawkins’ hole!”
“God asked me who Dawkins is and I told him he’s that snooty English fella who says he doesn’t exist and he should Google him.”
“He responded right away – because he’s God – that he Googled him in a microsecond and that he knows all about Dawkins now. And that he’s going to go to Hell forever and ever. Amen.”
“There’s all the proof you need, like” Joe said, before texting us the picture he took from his mobile phone. We have included it below to substantiate his story. “Them Atheists are full of shit” he said through a river of snot.
Joe then told us that he had to get home soon after that because he had enough blackberries for two pounds of jam and the flies were showing too much interest. And “the mother’d have the tea ready“.
The moment you said he was from Cork, I was already laughing.
All the good things from Ireland came out of Cork. The Titanic, the Lusitania, the coffin ships, this bloke…