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Monthly Archives: October 2013

Your Parents Love You Less When Another Sibling Is Born

21 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, science

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ginger stepchildren, grow up, imbecile, lies, parent, parents, PLQ, SOL

Many a parent has sat their little one down, and in hushed tones told them that they will be getting a new baby brother or sister soon but that “Mummy and Daddy will still love you just the same”. Children, I’m here to tell you this is a lie.

Not only is it a lie, but it will be demonstrated here, complete with mathematical proof.

Let’s consider a situation where there is one parent and one child. Let L represent the amount of the parent’s love for that child. L is 100% for the first child. When the next child arrives, and assuming the parent loves both children in equal quantities (ignoring favourites) the value of L reduces to 50%. So far, it’s simple.

Let N represent the number of children. The simple formula for the Parental Love Quotient, Q is:

PLQ = L / N

As N increases, PLQ tends towards zero, never actually reaching it.

Several assumptions are made:

  1. The total of parental love available to all children remains unchanged over time.
  2. The parent does not favour any one child.
  3. Multiple simultaneous births are excluded for the purpose of simplicity.
  4. Both parents love their children in equal amounts.
  5. The love for any one child remains a constant value until the next is born.
  6. Ginger stepchildren are excluded from the mathematical model.

It’s clear that these assumptions are prone to challenge, but for the initial explanation, let’s keep the number of variables low.

This graph charts the PLQ from 1 to 16 (Catholic) children:

PLQ-Graph1

It also shows another interesting value; the Size Of Lie (SOL). This is the size of the lie told to each succeeding child. Note that the SOL value diminishes greatly as the number of children increases. The first child is lied to the most.

The formula for Size Of Lie is:

SOL = PLQn – PLQn-1

With regard to the assumptions laid out above, a Favourite Child Weighting value must be factored in when calculating the PLQ values for your own family. This will also help determine the Size Of Lie from one child to the next and indicates how evil your parents are.

The above theorem will be included in my forthcoming book “Grow Up, Imbecile” which challenges many accepted precepts of family life, but adds a scientific or mathematical viewpoint in order to illuminate hitherto unquestioned dogma.

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Are Men And Women Equal?

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, science

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gender, goolies, man, men, sex, sexism, sexist willies, woman, women

Of course not. How could anyone possibly think they are? In order for them to be equal, they would have to be the same. And they’re not the same. Men have willies and goolies, women have mysterious things and lovely round ladybumps. They sound different. They think differently. The ladies live longer, on average. Chaps usually have deeper voices and are hairier on their bodily bits. Usually. Men are usually physically stronger. Usually.

At the molecular level, they are different from each other. The sexes are differentiated on passports, driving licenses and birth certificates. They have different toilets. Different underwear. Different changing rooms in shops. Aisles in supermarkets dedicated to the different products they try to sell us. They smell different.

Because they are different. Logically, biologically, philosophically and actually they are not equal. They’re not even equivalent.

stupid-man-2

I do think men and women should treat one another equally though. Insofar as it makes sense. In the normal course of our daily interaction we should be sex-blind.

When I hear the clamour for “equality” on the basis of sex, I get a pain in my man bits. The word “sexism” has virtually lost its meaning for me. Forget that claim on behalf of your sex, insist on equal treatment on behalf of your species. The sex part is not going to bolster your argument, it’ll merely make you look like a man-hating lesbian. I’m sure this will infuriate some, but to those whose hackles are raised, ask yourself whether it’s simply because it’s so ingrained in you that you cannot conceive of another viewpoint.

The same goes for blokes, of course. Don’t be the whistling builder slob when you’re with your friends (and you’re more courageous) when a chick walks past. In her heels. Sorry, I digressed there.

My point is this: stop demanding “equality”. It’s impossible. We’re not the same. Demand equal treatment, because we all deserve that, regardless of our plumbing.

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

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acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

Ladies, Drinking Wine Makes You Classy

13 Sunday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in science

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class, classy, song, wine, women

Ladies, we’re happy to report some good news. Scientists at the Princeton Institute for the Study of Thirst (PIST) have completed their research on the effects of drinking wine in large quantities and often. It helps you to escape from the tedium of normal existence and hide temporarily in a fug-filled world of happiness and giggling. But there’s more – their research indicates that regular consumption of fermented grape juice elevates you at least one notch on the class ladder.

Hmmmm ... nice

That’s not the only good news, though. If you post regularly on Facebook that you drink lots of wine, especially those little pictures with regurgitated wisdom on them with phrases such as “I just rescued some wine … it was trapped in the bottle” or “I enjoy long walks … to my wine rack“, then your entire social circle gets to know just how classy you really are.

Round it off by adding pictures of you having just the most fun as a sloppy drunk, being picked up by your other drunk friends after a little fall, or helping them up in a comically clumsy way and everyone gets to see your sheer class shine on through. For an air of je ne sais quoi, add a photo of the table with some wine glasses – framed by a sunset if possible – to ensure the world knows that your dependency is complete and all-encompassing.

The science just works. Stay classy, ladies.
😉

Review of Jojo Mayer Drum Clinic, X-Music, Dublin, 6th Oct. 2013

07 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in drums and drumming

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@mikedolbear, @xmusicireland, Clinic, clinic tour, drumming, drums, hoop crasher, Jojo, Jojo Mayer, kick drum, kick drum pedal, Mike Dolbear, Nerve, pedal, Perfect balance, X-Music Ireland

Full house. The X-Music shop floor was the venue for what was to be an impressive display of some of the most intelligent drumming I’ve seen yet. Jojo’s impressively neat kit was already set up on a riser and the seats were laid out. The merchandise counter had a steady stream of punters ready to buy his instructional DVDs, custom kick pedal, branded sticks and other lovely drum porn.

I knew very little about Jojo Mayer before this event; a friend bought tickets # 1 and 2 (and won some raffle prizes for his trouble) and gave me first refusal on one. Nice chap. Good friend. I’d seen some Youtube clips and watched in awe at skills I could never hope to begin to consider approaching, and a highly intelligent master telling the audience about his experiences, techniques and approach.

The introduction by the organisers, X-Music and Mike Dolbear, was suitably low key but somehow everyone in the cheap seats knew this was going to be something special.

Jojo started off by playing along to three MacBook-based backing tracks in the Drum’n’Bass genre, not a species I know very well. But now I want to know more. As a decrepit prog rock devotee, I warmed to the technical way he could allow the backing track to pulse in the background while he went on a wild ride on a parallel sidetrack but always met back with the train with unerring precision. And he made it sound and feel good. His inner clock is nothing short of phenomenal.

This wasn’t a gig though, so he then turned on the mic and allowed our fellow punters to lob questions at him. Having expounded on such topics as his approach to composition (namely his “Neurotic” and “Schizophrenic” methods), polymetric playing and it’s mathematical underpinnings, the importance of having musical integrity (my words) and not doing it for Facebook Likes, and the zombie that is the global music industry, he spoke in some detail – and from a position of authority – on his bass drum technique and the reasons he designed his own pedal.

Long story short, he has a collection of over 40 pedals, one dating back to 1909. I had no idea kick pedals were around 104 years ago. I’ll bet you didn’t neither. He explained that drumming has about 400 years of history behind it, much of it from the military, whereas the bass drum (as played by kit players) has a much shorter legacy dating back to somewhere in the 1940s. The original pedals were constructed with leather or nylon straps joining the footplate to the rotating cam. This worked well for the music styles of the day, namely Jazz, Bebop, Big Band and such, because much of this was played quietly and with a regular pulse.

One individual, Albert “Al” Duffy, who ultimately invented the original Camco chain drive pedal from a modified 5000 was struggling with the recurring problem of wearing and breaking straps. He got the idea from a timpani tuning drive for a chain mechanism to replace the fragile straps. This eliminated the wear and tear and it still worked for the musical styles in vogue.

Then, along comes rock’n’roll. With it, a revolution in electrically powered amplification equipment. With that, the need to play LOUDER and faster. So, the full body powered kick stroke became the norm, as did laying the beater into the head. The problem with that, as Jojo pointed out, was that the chains were now in common use (because manufacturers recognised that “it’s what the kids want”). But the chain doesn’t add anything, just weight and inertia.

Jojo Mayer in de house

He investigated literally EVERY kick pedal manufacturer in the world and found out an interesting thing: many of them are produced by the same manufacturers in a factory in China and rebadged. There has been no real innovation in this area for many years. This led to further studies of technique and an attempt to get to the bottom of exactly WHY he could not attain the foot speeds he thought should be possible.

That approach led him to adopt a strategy: mimic his hand/arm techniques (which were working) with his legs/feet. This is where I could go into some wordy detail to try to explain how Jojo described the mechanics of this, but I’ll necessarily gloss over these details because I couldn’t possibly explain it here.

Another part of the problem related to friction between the sole and the mechanism’s footplate. Generally regarded as desirable by contemporary players, it was one of the main reasons Jojo couldn’t realise his developing technique.  He took to cannibalising many of the items in his collection, to create the Frankenstein pedal (his words). And yes, I know it wasn’t the monster’s name.

Once Jojo had the problems, and the solutions, diagnosed, he took to designing his own pedal. The result was the Perfect Balance pedal that bears his name as a prefix. It’s a simple looking construction but it has some slick features: a smooth footplate to enable the foot to slide (he showed us the leather soles glued to his trainers to complete the friction-free ensemble); a single post to remove a physical barrier to foot slides; a slick folding mechanism for teardown in a couple of seconds; and a quick clamp mechanism for swift attachment to the drum. All in all, a nice bit of kit.

The biggest problem I had, though, was a personal one. He forced me to rethink all I knew, or thought, about kick pedals. I got a DW 9002 a few months back for a real bargain, and it’s lovely, it’s smooth, solid and the nicest I’ve played with (from a small stable of choices) but now I just don’t know any more.

Enough about my petty woes.

Throughout the evening he was happy to demonstrate, not just explain, what he meant with many examples on the kit. It was all, somehow, accessible. Despite the hopelessness one feels when the reality hits that you’ll never attain such heights. He rounded off the night with another couple of tunes.

I discovered another thing on the night also – I want another snare drum in my setup with one of his Hoop Crasher things, developed with the help of Sabian.

It’s clear that Jojo has a quirky, unique and intelligent approach to what he does. He certainly can talk about it too, with the Swiss accent, the gesticulations and the spectacular hair. But his zeal and charisma are in full view. He can carry an audience with both his narrative AND his playing. And his technical knowledge, proficiency and (a word favoured by drumming pundits) chops are first rate. All that, and it sounds AND feels good too.

We were all lucky to be treated to a wonderful 90-odd minutes of entertainment by this rare individual. Let’s hope the success of this clinic will translate to more such events – Mike (Dolbear) made the point that the likes of X-Music took a risk by staging this event. I’m delighted it paid off for them and hope we’ll all reap the benefits in future by having a greater range of them. And that such retail operations thrive through these hard times by taking this kind of risk. I guess it’s something we all take for granted and it’s a good thing that it is pointed out to us. Get thee down to these events!

The man of the evening then gracefully handed out autographs as we left.

More, please! Many more.

Teen’s “Life Is Over” After An Audition

05 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in telly

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deluded, dragged the balls, get rich quick, lazy, mansion, smug Dermot, suicidal, sympathetic, talentless, The fucking journey, witless, xfactor

A seventeen year old female student from Bolton, England has declared today through heartfelt sobbing that “this is my life” and “it means everything to me” on a popular TV talent show.

The show, which routinely ridicules the slow and witless, showed Sharon Slumley bawling like a slapped ginger stepchild while telling us how important winning the competition was to her.

She described the several hours of diligent preparation she underwent so that she could stand in front of wealthy judges no more qualified than Paddington Bear to spot good music when they heard it and many millions of misguided members of the public who prop up these fools with the notion that they know what they are doing and have a modicum of talent themselves.

“I practiced in front of me mirror singing into a brush. I had me iPod playin’ all sorts of music our Dave downloaded for me last week. What more do they want me to do? I’ve given everything I have to this industry. It means everything to me. I can’t do nowt else” she whined to a background of minor key piano music which eventually came to a crescendo just before the program showed the 90 second audition.

Her performance of Mariah Carey’s “Hero” was cut short by one of the Irish ones after she missed her cue, sang in the wrong key and forgot the words. But her recovery was swift, and after some persuasion and refusal to leave the stage she sang the first few lines of Whitney Houston’s ballad “Saving All My Love For You” with no musical accompaniment and with no obvious musical ability. Two burly blokes in monkey suits convinced her that the audition was over. We were then treated to the backstage kicking and spitting as she was escorted off the premises. Later, the teary-eyed songstress had calmed down enough to tell the show’s presenter that her four year old wouldn’t have anything to eat now and asked the viewers “how can I go on?”

Bollox

How, indeed. Dermot, the smug cocky one, asked her what was next. She told him “I don’t know Dermot. I suppose I’ll have to go back home now, I was hoping to move into my big mansion later today but they’ve gone and ruined all tha’ on me now, the bastads” she continued. Dermot asked her “do you think it’s worth getting some music and singing lessons, then spending some time learning how to perform, practicing under performance conditions and gaining some actual experience before returning in a few years to audition again, or else giving up and trying an alternative career path if it turns out that you don’t the aptitude for it?” After due consideration, her reply was a suggestion, that Dermot should “fuck off“.

Sharon’s mother, a 32 year old “homemaker”, told us today how she felt “Sharon was treated like a right div by them bastads“. She went on to say “they wouldn’t know talent if it they heard it” and “they’re just a bunch of jealous cunts“.

The X-Factor judges voted after Sharon had left the stage and gave her one “Yes” and three “No” votes. The American one with all the teeth gave her the Yes vote after saying she had a “God-given talent and I thank Jesus we were fortunate enough to be here to witness it” while holding her head at a suitable sympathetic angle for the cameras. They dragged the balls of it out for another two minutes before finding out the other judges’ votes.

The Samaritans were on standby tonight for another evening of calls from the deluded and confused.

The Miley/Sinead Gate Bandwagon

04 Friday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, religion, war

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all nudey, baldies, Father O'Connor, inflatable hammer, miley cyrus, MTV, P45, scrap, short hair, sinead o'connor, skinheads, twerping

I’m damned if I’m not going to get a piece of this action. Two skinhead girls are having a go off one-another and I want in.

It all kicked off a few weeks ago on the telly when Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter got all nudey and dirty and twerped her bottom and something went on with an inflatable hammer but I don’t know what the fuck that was. On some MTV thing, if I remember right.

Then, in the last week, an ordained priest, Father Sinead O’Connor, wrote to Miley on The Internet but everyone could see what she writ, I think. She said words like “prostitute herself” and “all men in the world are evil, especially them who sell records” and tried to be all nice to Miley. She told Miley that it wasn’t nice to show your bits and something about Hannah Montana and to give some motherf*ckers their P45.

The full text of Fr. O’Connor’s letter is here:

Resource Limit Is Reached

The website is temporarily unable to service your request as it exceeded resource limit. Please try again later.

As you can plainly see, she’s trying to tell the young singer that her Resource Limit (a thinly-veiled reference to her current career path) has been reached and to try again later, this time wearing clothes. But not to be nudey next time because men are horrible and dirty. I’m reading between the lines, obviously, but you can see for yourself what it means.

Miley then Twittered a photo of Father Sinead tearing up a picture of Pope John Paul 2 We Love You years ago, which just wasn’t cricket.

Young Ms. Cyrus’s credibility took a beating yesterday when she Twittered that she’s “Eating mangos in bed. I repeat…happiest girl in the world. <rainbow> <rainbow> <rainbow>”

But I checked by looking back a few pages on the Tweet and she never before said that she was eating mangos in bed. So you just can’t believe a word out of her filthy mouth. And Father Sinead is a priest, who we automatically respect and believe. Am I right?

I just wish that the nasty Miley would leave the poor priest alone. She (the priest) has done nothing to her (the American slut) other than interfere in her life and tell her how to be a better person, not a prostitute and how to give men working for her the sack. On the Internet too, so everyone could see how nice she was.

But she’s on the Late Late Show tonight, so Father O’Connor can say a public prayer for this disillusioned, wrong young girl and we can all join in. That’ll make things better and Father Sinead might even get an appearance fee. Let’s hope so. It’ll go some way towards helping her on the path to recovery after the trauma that she started.

When nobody is looking she’s going to get her legal people to beat the crap out of Miley for giving her lip. NO ONE gives Father O’Connor lip. In the corner.

I have fuck all else to be doing.

It’s not big or clever

Sometimes serious, sometimes not. Work it out.

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