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A seventeen year old female student from Bolton, England has declared today through heartfelt sobbing that “this is my life” and “it means everything to me” on a popular TV talent show.

The show, which routinely ridicules the slow and witless, showed Sharon Slumley bawling like a slapped ginger stepchild while telling us how important winning the competition was to her.

She described the several hours of diligent preparation she underwent so that she could stand in front of wealthy judges no more qualified than Paddington Bear to spot good music when they heard it and many millions of misguided members of the public who prop up these fools with the notion that they know what they are doing and have a modicum of talent themselves.

I practiced in front of me mirror singing into a brush. I had me iPod playin’ all sorts of music our Dave downloaded for me last week. What more do they want me to do? I’ve given everything I have to this industry. It means everything to me. I can’t do nowt else” she whined to a background of minor key piano music which eventually came to a crescendo just before the program showed the 90 second audition.

Her performance of Mariah Carey’s “Hero” was cut short by one of the Irish ones after she missed her cue, sang in the wrong key and forgot the words. But her recovery was swift, and after some persuasion and refusal to leave the stage she sang the first few lines of Whitney Houston’s ballad “Saving All My Love For You” with no musical accompaniment and with no obvious musical ability. Two burly blokes in monkey suits convinced her that the audition was over. We were then treated to the backstage kicking and spitting as she was escorted off the premises. Later, the teary-eyed songstress had calmed down enough to tell the show’s presenter that her four year old wouldn’t have anything to eat now and asked the viewers “how can I go on?


How, indeed. Dermot, the smug cocky one, asked her what was next. She told him “I don’t know Dermot. I suppose I’ll have to go back home now, I was hoping to move into my big mansion later today but they’ve gone and ruined all tha’ on me now, the bastads” she continued. Dermot asked her “do you think it’s worth getting some music and singing lessons, then spending some time learning how to perform, practicing under performance conditions and gaining some actual experience before returning in a few years to audition again, or else giving up and trying an alternative career path if it turns out that you don’t the aptitude for it?” After due consideration, her reply was a suggestion, that Dermot should “fuck off“.

Sharon’s mother, a 32 year old “homemaker”, told us today how she felt “Sharon was treated like a right div by them bastads“. She went on to say “they wouldn’t know talent if it they heard it” and “they’re just a bunch of jealous cunts“.

The X-Factor judges voted after Sharon had left the stage and gave her one “Yes” and three “No” votes. The American one with all the teeth gave her the Yes vote after saying she had a “God-given talent and I thank Jesus we were fortunate enough to be here to witness it” while holding her head at a suitable sympathetic angle for the cameras. They dragged the balls of it out for another two minutes before finding out the other judges’ votes.

The Samaritans were on standby tonight for another evening of calls from the deluded and confused.