- Americans, leave St. Patrick’s Day alone, it’s for the Irish only.
- Animal haters, leave Groundhog Day alone. I said leave Groundhog Day alone. Groundhog Day. Alone. Alone. And St. Francis Of Assisi Day.
- Heterosexuals, step away from Harvey Milk Day.
- Peace lovers, move away from the observance of D-Day Remembrance and Veterans’ Day.
- Mothers, don’t even mention Fathers’ day.
- Fathers, … you know the rest.
- Infidels, forget about Ramadan, Muharram and The Prohet’s Birthday.
- Gentiles, if I hear you even say Purim, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur or Hannukah I’ll be on you like a spider monkey.
- Non-consumerists, stay in your homes on Black Friday. And Cyber Monday too.
- Non-Witches, you may not celebrate Halloween with your kids.
- Only people whose offspring have offspring may participate in Senior Citizens Day celebrations.
- If you don’t work, Labor Day is not for you, pal.
- If you celebrate Cinco De Mayo and you’re not Mexican, you can expect a visit soon.
- Singletons may not even make mention of Valentine’s Day.
- Forget Kwanzaa if your skin colour is not on the approved list.
Seriously? Are you fucking retarded? Merry Xmas.
Warning: the message above may contain sarcasm. Not for the hard of thinking.