Category Archives: politics

Atheists Need To Leave Christmas Alone, Do They?

11 Wednesday Dec 2013

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Oh really?

  • Americans, leave St. Patrick’s Day alone, it’s for the Irish only.
  • Animal haters, leave Groundhog Day alone. I said leave Groundhog Day alone. Groundhog Day. Alone. Alone. And St. Francis Of Assisi Day.
  • Heterosexuals, step away from Harvey Milk Day.
  • Peace lovers, move away from the observance of D-Day Remembrance and Veterans’ Day.
  • Mothers, don’t even mention Fathers’ day.
  • Fathers, … you know the rest.
  • Infidels, forget about Ramadan, Muharram and The Prohet’s Birthday.
  • Gentiles, if I hear you even say Purim, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur or Hannukah I’ll be on you like a spider monkey.
  • Non-consumerists, stay in your homes on Black Friday. And Cyber Monday too.
  • Non-Witches, you may not celebrate Halloween with your kids.
  • Only people whose offspring have offspring may participate in Senior Citizens Day celebrations.
  • If you don’t work, Labor Day is not for you, pal.
  • If you celebrate Cinco De Mayo and you’re not Mexican, you can expect a visit soon.
  • Singletons may not even make mention of Valentine’s Day.
  • Forget Kwanzaa if your skin colour is not on the approved list.

Seriously? Are you fucking retarded? Merry Xmas.

Warning: the message above may contain sarcasm. Not for the hard of thinking.

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Your Parents Love You Less When Another Sibling Is Born

21 Monday Oct 2013

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Many a parent has sat their little one down, and in hushed tones told them that they will be getting a new baby brother or sister soon but that “Mummy and Daddy will still love you just the same”. Children, I’m here to tell you this is a lie.

Not only is it a lie, but it will be demonstrated here, complete with mathematical proof.

Let’s consider a situation where there is one parent and one child. Let L represent the amount of the parent’s love for that child. L is 100% for the first child. When the next child arrives, and assuming the parent loves both children in equal quantities (ignoring favourites) the value of L reduces to 50%. So far, it’s simple.

Let N represent the number of children. The simple formula for the Parental Love Quotient, Q is:

PLQ = L / N

As N increases, PLQ tends towards zero, never actually reaching it.

Several assumptions are made:

  1. The total of parental love available to all children remains unchanged over time.
  2. The parent does not favour any one child.
  3. Multiple simultaneous births are excluded for the purpose of simplicity.
  4. Both parents love their children in equal amounts.
  5. The love for any one child remains a constant value until the next is born.
  6. Ginger stepchildren are excluded from the mathematical model.

It’s clear that these assumptions are prone to challenge, but for the initial explanation, let’s keep the number of variables low.

This graph charts the PLQ from 1 to 16 (Catholic) children:

PLQ-Graph1

It also shows another interesting value; the Size Of Lie (SOL). This is the size of the lie told to each succeeding child. Note that the SOL value diminishes greatly as the number of children increases. The first child is lied to the most.

The formula for Size Of Lie is:

SOL = PLQn – PLQn-1

With regard to the assumptions laid out above, a Favourite Child Weighting value must be factored in when calculating the PLQ values for your own family. This will also help determine the Size Of Lie from one child to the next and indicates how evil your parents are.

The above theorem will be included in my forthcoming book “Grow Up, Imbecile” which challenges many accepted precepts of family life, but adds a scientific or mathematical viewpoint in order to illuminate hitherto unquestioned dogma.

Are Men And Women Equal?

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

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Of course not. How could anyone possibly think they are? In order for them to be equal, they would have to be the same. And they’re not the same. Men have willies and goolies, women have mysterious things and lovely round ladybumps. They sound different. They think differently. The ladies live longer, on average. Chaps usually have deeper voices and are hairier on their bodily bits. Usually. Men are usually physically stronger. Usually.

At the molecular level, they are different from each other. The sexes are differentiated on passports, driving licenses and birth certificates. They have different toilets. Different underwear. Different changing rooms in shops. Aisles in supermarkets dedicated to the different products they try to sell us. They smell different.

Because they are different. Logically, biologically, philosophically and actually they are not equal. They’re not even equivalent.

stupid-man-2

I do think men and women should treat one another equally though. Insofar as it makes sense. In the normal course of our daily interaction we should be sex-blind.

When I hear the clamour for “equality” on the basis of sex, I get a pain in my man bits. The word “sexism” has virtually lost its meaning for me. Forget that claim on behalf of your sex, insist on equal treatment on behalf of your species. The sex part is not going to bolster your argument, it’ll merely make you look like a man-hating lesbian. I’m sure this will infuriate some, but to those whose hackles are raised, ask yourself whether it’s simply because it’s so ingrained in you that you cannot conceive of another viewpoint.

The same goes for blokes, of course. Don’t be the whistling builder slob when you’re with your friends (and you’re more courageous) when a chick walks past. In her heels. Sorry, I digressed there.

My point is this: stop demanding “equality”. It’s impossible. We’re not the same. Demand equal treatment, because we all deserve that, regardless of our plumbing.

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

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There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

The Miley/Sinead Gate Bandwagon

04 Friday Oct 2013

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I’m damned if I’m not going to get a piece of this action. Two skinhead girls are having a go off one-another and I want in.

It all kicked off a few weeks ago on the telly when Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter got all nudey and dirty and twerped her bottom and something went on with an inflatable hammer but I don’t know what the fuck that was. On some MTV thing, if I remember right.

Then, in the last week, an ordained priest, Father Sinead O’Connor, wrote to Miley on The Internet but everyone could see what she writ, I think. She said words like “prostitute herself” and “all men in the world are evil, especially them who sell records” and tried to be all nice to Miley. She told Miley that it wasn’t nice to show your bits and something about Hannah Montana and to give some motherf*ckers their P45.

The full text of Fr. O’Connor’s letter is here:

Resource Limit Is Reached

The website is temporarily unable to service your request as it exceeded resource limit. Please try again later.

As you can plainly see, she’s trying to tell the young singer that her Resource Limit (a thinly-veiled reference to her current career path) has been reached and to try again later, this time wearing clothes. But not to be nudey next time because men are horrible and dirty. I’m reading between the lines, obviously, but you can see for yourself what it means.

Miley then Twittered a photo of Father Sinead tearing up a picture of Pope John Paul 2 We Love You years ago, which just wasn’t cricket.

Young Ms. Cyrus’s credibility took a beating yesterday when she Twittered that she’s “Eating mangos in bed. I repeat…happiest girl in the world. <rainbow> <rainbow> <rainbow>”

But I checked by looking back a few pages on the Tweet and she never before said that she was eating mangos in bed. So you just can’t believe a word out of her filthy mouth. And Father Sinead is a priest, who we automatically respect and believe. Am I right?

I just wish that the nasty Miley would leave the poor priest alone. She (the priest) has done nothing to her (the American slut) other than interfere in her life and tell her how to be a better person, not a prostitute and how to give men working for her the sack. On the Internet too, so everyone could see how nice she was.

But she’s on the Late Late Show tonight, so Father O’Connor can say a public prayer for this disillusioned, wrong young girl and we can all join in. That’ll make things better and Father Sinead might even get an appearance fee. Let’s hope so. It’ll go some way towards helping her on the path to recovery after the trauma that she started.

When nobody is looking she’s going to get her legal people to beat the crap out of Miley for giving her lip. NO ONE gives Father O’Connor lip. In the corner.

I have fuck all else to be doing.

Ballybricken French to be granted official language status

02 Monday Sep 2013

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The Irish Government has had a European High Court ruling overturned in their favour, making Ballybricken French a recognised language of the EU. The EU Supreme Court ruling will come into effect on 1st January 2014. Euro coins and notes bearing the emblem of the Bullpost will be produced by the Royal Dutch Mint from mid-2015. Local winos and smack heads will have their faces embossed on the 1c, 2c and 5c coins.

Waterford Mayor, Alderman S. Walk, in a press release, told of his joy at the outcome of this decision. “This is a ggeat victogy fog the pgoud people of Wategfogd. Ballybgicken Fgench, a mainstay language of oug nation, finally has the gecognition it desegves. No longeg will the dgead of oug histogical language being consigned to the dustbin of histogy hang oveg us.”

He went on, “I ggook foghwaghd to ough schooghls and thighd lghevel institutions pghopaghating this most ighllustghious of lghanghuaghes thghoughout the bghilliant young minds of the new geneghation of chilghdghen and to see it thghive, nay, sughvive the ghavaghes of decay and neghleght.”

He went on.

The Depagtment, I mean Department Of Education has issued tenders to local scholars of the language for the design and maintenance of a new, living curriculum centred on the ancient tongue. Nobody is expected to respond because native speakers are mostly all over 80 now. Or dead. There’s only D4 wannabes and fucking Tramore West shitheads left and they don’t even know it exists.

A special limited-edition of the coin set will be available early next year. The €2 coin will have a picture of Tawdy in a hi-vis jacket on the reverse. On his bench.