Teen’s “Life Is Over” After An Audition


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A seventeen year old female student from Bolton, England has declared today through heartfelt sobbing that “this is my life” and “it means everything to me” on a popular TV talent show.

The show, which routinely ridicules the slow and witless, showed Sharon Slumley bawling like a slapped ginger stepchild while telling us how important winning the competition was to her.

She described the several hours of diligent preparation she underwent so that she could stand in front of wealthy judges no more qualified than Paddington Bear to spot good music when they heard it and many millions of misguided members of the public who prop up these fools with the notion that they know what they are doing and have a modicum of talent themselves.

I practiced in front of me mirror singing into a brush. I had me iPod playin’ all sorts of music our Dave downloaded for me last week. What more do they want me to do? I’ve given everything I have to this industry. It means everything to me. I can’t do nowt else” she whined to a background of minor key piano music which eventually came to a crescendo just before the program showed the 90 second audition.

Her performance of Mariah Carey’s “Hero” was cut short by one of the Irish ones after she missed her cue, sang in the wrong key and forgot the words. But her recovery was swift, and after some persuasion and refusal to leave the stage she sang the first few lines of Whitney Houston’s ballad “Saving All My Love For You” with no musical accompaniment and with no obvious musical ability. Two burly blokes in monkey suits convinced her that the audition was over. We were then treated to the backstage kicking and spitting as she was escorted off the premises. Later, the teary-eyed songstress had calmed down enough to tell the show’s presenter that her four year old wouldn’t have anything to eat now and asked the viewers “how can I go on?


How, indeed. Dermot, the smug cocky one, asked her what was next. She told him “I don’t know Dermot. I suppose I’ll have to go back home now, I was hoping to move into my big mansion later today but they’ve gone and ruined all tha’ on me now, the bastads” she continued. Dermot asked her “do you think it’s worth getting some music and singing lessons, then spending some time learning how to perform, practicing under performance conditions and gaining some actual experience before returning in a few years to audition again, or else giving up and trying an alternative career path if it turns out that you don’t the aptitude for it?” After due consideration, her reply was a suggestion, that Dermot should “fuck off“.

Sharon’s mother, a 32 year old “homemaker”, told us today how she felt “Sharon was treated like a right div by them bastads“. She went on to say “they wouldn’t know talent if it they heard it” and “they’re just a bunch of jealous cunts“.

The X-Factor judges voted after Sharon had left the stage and gave her one “Yes” and three “No” votes. The American one with all the teeth gave her the Yes vote after saying she had a “God-given talent and I thank Jesus we were fortunate enough to be here to witness it” while holding her head at a suitable sympathetic angle for the cameras. They dragged the balls of it out for another two minutes before finding out the other judges’ votes.

The Samaritans were on standby tonight for another evening of calls from the deluded and confused.


The Miley/Sinead Gate Bandwagon


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I’m damned if I’m not going to get a piece of this action. Two skinhead girls are having a go off one-another and I want in.

It all kicked off a few weeks ago on the telly when Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter got all nudey and dirty and twerped her bottom and something went on with an inflatable hammer but I don’t know what the fuck that was. On some MTV thing, if I remember right.

Then, in the last week, an ordained priest, Father Sinead O’Connor, wrote to Miley on The Internet but everyone could see what she writ, I think. She said words like “prostitute herself” and “all men in the world are evil, especially them who sell records” and tried to be all nice to Miley. She told Miley that it wasn’t nice to show your bits and something about Hannah Montana and to give some motherf*ckers their P45.

The full text of Fr. O’Connor’s letter is here:

Resource Limit Is Reached

The website is temporarily unable to service your request as it exceeded resource limit. Please try again later.

As you can plainly see, she’s trying to tell the young singer that her Resource Limit (a thinly-veiled reference to her current career path) has been reached and to try again later, this time wearing clothes. But not to be nudey next time because men are horrible and dirty. I’m reading between the lines, obviously, but you can see for yourself what it means.

Miley then Twittered a photo of Father Sinead tearing up a picture of Pope John Paul 2 We Love You years ago, which just wasn’t cricket.

Young Ms. Cyrus’s credibility took a beating yesterday when she Twittered that she’s “Eating mangos in bed. I repeat…happiest girl in the world. <rainbow> <rainbow> <rainbow>”

But I checked by looking back a few pages on the Tweet and she never before said that she was eating mangos in bed. So you just can’t believe a word out of her filthy mouth. And Father Sinead is a priest, who we automatically respect and believe. Am I right?

I just wish that the nasty Miley would leave the poor priest alone. She (the priest) has done nothing to her (the American slut) other than interfere in her life and tell her how to be a better person, not a prostitute and how to give men working for her the sack. On the Internet too, so everyone could see how nice she was.

But she’s on the Late Late Show tonight, so Father O’Connor can say a public prayer for this disillusioned, wrong young girl and we can all join in. That’ll make things better and Father Sinead might even get an appearance fee. Let’s hope so. It’ll go some way towards helping her on the path to recovery after the trauma that she started.

When nobody is looking she’s going to get her legal people to beat the crap out of Miley for giving her lip. NO ONE gives Father O’Connor lip. In the corner.

I have fuck all else to be doing.

Delilah’s Killer Finally Facing Justice


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Investigators working on the 1960’s murder case of Delilah have uncovered stark new evidence. The evidence in question amounts to a full audio confession from the alleged killer, and provides an insight into his motives for the heinous crime.

The unnamed (alleged) assailant was arrested by Welsh police late last night in what was called Operation Pantythrow.

A full transcript of the confession was produced but not made officially available to us. However, some of the main points were leaked to us by an anonymous internal police administration worker named Dai Llewllyn.

The unnamed attacker was reported to have been passing by the house of the victim. On the night that he passed by her window, he claimed to have seen her silhouette against the window curtain and she was in the arms of another man. Having later confronted her on the matter, asking “why” repeatedly, he managed to obtain the murder weapon – a knife – and stabbed her fatally. He claimed provocation as a mitigating circumstance, citing her repeated laughing and taunting. “I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more“, he said, when questioned by interrogators.


Delilah and some chap, 1968-ish

When asked why he felt he had the right to confront the victim with her alleged deceit, the alleged attacker said “she was my woman” and that her deception caused him to go out of his mind.

Several expert criminal psychologists will be consulted to determine whether this man will be deemed fit to stand trial. The fact that his confession was, bizarrely, sung to police will be also used as evidence in the trial.

The man was later heard babbling in his cell while asking his alleged victim for forgiveness, as he “just couldn’t take any more.” He has indicated that he will also be suing the police for criminal damage caused by breaking down his door during the arrest.

A file has been sent to the Director Of Public Prosecutions.

Definitive Proof Of God’s Existence Found


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God Botherers all over the globe claimed a victory yesterday after definitive proof of the existence of their god was published.

A self-proclaimed faith healer, acupuncunturist and water diviner from West Cork, Ireland named Joe Smith has shown the world what he calls “inconvertible proof” of the existence of a deity. He calls this deity “God” and says “he’s the one true god. The other gods that exist are all false. I goes to mass fairly regular, like, so I’d know an’ tha’.

We went to see him on one of his regular fruit picking excursions, down the by-roads of County Cork.


Joe picking blackberries down the road

I went out pickin’ blackberries the other day and God spoke to me from the sky. I’m not surprised that he did ‘cos I says prayers most days and I’m awful holy. He told me where the blackberries were and said he liked my tee shirt. He had a big beard and stuff. And a big deep voice, like. I asked him if I could take a picture of him with my iPhone and he said yeah so he did.

After posing for me, I asked if he’d mind answering a few questions for me and he said yeah.

My first question was ‘Is there a God, like?’ and he said yeah. So there definitely is a Him” he told us.

Then, I asked if there was an afterlife and he said yeah.

I said ‘Really, like?’ and he said yeah.

So I asked ‘What about the Earth and the Heavens – did you create them too?’ an’ he said yeah.

Ha ha“, said Joe, “that’s one right up Dawkins’ hole!

God asked me who Dawkins is and I told him he’s that snooty English fella who says he doesn’t exist and he should Google him.

He responded right away – because he’s God – that he Googled him in a microsecond and that he knows all about Dawkins now. And that he’s going to go to Hell forever and ever. Amen.

There’s all the proof you need, like” Joe said, before texting us the picture he took from his mobile phone. We have included it below to substantiate his story. “Them Atheists are full of shit” he said through a river of snot.

Joe then told us that he had to get home soon after that because he had enough blackberries for two pounds of jam and the flies were showing too much interest. And “the mother’d have the tea ready“.


God, recently

Ballybricken French to be granted official language status


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The Irish Government has had a European High Court ruling overturned in their favour, making Ballybricken French a recognised language of the EU. The EU Supreme Court ruling will come into effect on 1st January 2014. Euro coins and notes bearing the emblem of the Bullpost will be produced by the Royal Dutch Mint from mid-2015. Local winos and smack heads will have their faces embossed on the 1c, 2c and 5c coins.

Waterford Mayor, Alderman S. Walk, in a press release, told of his joy at the outcome of this decision. “This is a ggeat victogy fog the pgoud people of Wategfogd. Ballybgicken Fgench, a mainstay language of oug nation, finally has the gecognition it desegves. No longeg will the dgead of oug histogical language being consigned to the dustbin of histogy hang oveg us.

He went on, “I ggook foghwaghd to ough schooghls and thighd lghevel institutions pghopaghating this most ighllustghious of lghanghuaghes thghoughout the bghilliant young minds of the new geneghation of chilghdghen and to see it thghive, nay, sughvive the ghavaghes of decay and neghleght.

He went on.

The Depagtment, I mean Department Of Education has issued tenders to local scholars of the language for the design and maintenance of a new, living curriculum centred on the ancient tongue. Nobody is expected to respond because native speakers are mostly all over 80 now. Or dead. There’s only D4 wannabes and fucking Tramore West shitheads left and they don’t even know it exists.

A special limited-edition of the coin set will be available early next year. The €2 coin will have a picture of Tawdy in a hi-vis jacket on the reverse. On his bench.