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Tag Archives: acupuncunturist

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

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Tags

acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

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Definitive Proof Of God’s Existence Found

03 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in religion

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Tags

acupuncunturist, atheism, atheist, blackberries, blackberry, deranged, existence, existentialism, god, monotheism, proof, proof of god, religion, snot, theism

God Botherers all over the globe claimed a victory yesterday after definitive proof of the existence of their god was published.

A self-proclaimed faith healer, acupuncunturist and water diviner from West Cork, Ireland named Joe Smith has shown the world what he calls “inconvertible proof” of the existence of a deity. He calls this deity “God” and says “he’s the one true god. The other gods that exist are all false. I goes to mass fairly regular, like, so I’d know an’ tha’.”

We went to see him on one of his regular fruit picking excursions, down the by-roads of County Cork.

the-tramp

Joe picking blackberries down the road

“I went out pickin’ blackberries the other day and God spoke to me from the sky. I’m not surprised that he did ‘cos I says prayers most days and I’m awful holy. He told me where the blackberries were and said he liked my tee shirt. He had a big beard and stuff. And a big deep voice, like. I asked him if I could take a picture of him with my iPhone and he said yeah so he did.”

“After posing for me, I asked if he’d mind answering a few questions for me and he said yeah.”

“My first question was ‘Is there a God, like?’ and he said yeah. So there definitely is a Him” he told us.

“Then, I asked if there was an afterlife and he said yeah.”

“I said ‘Really, like?’ and he said yeah.”

“So I asked ‘What about the Earth and the Heavens – did you create them too?’ an’ he said yeah.”

“Ha ha“, said Joe, “that’s one right up Dawkins’ hole!”

“God asked me who Dawkins is and I told him he’s that snooty English fella who says he doesn’t exist and he should Google him.”

“He responded right away – because he’s God – that he Googled him in a microsecond and that he knows all about Dawkins now. And that he’s going to go to Hell forever and ever. Amen.”

“There’s all the proof you need, like” Joe said, before texting us the picture he took from his mobile phone. We have included it below to substantiate his story. “Them Atheists are full of shit” he said through a river of snot.

Joe then told us that he had to get home soon after that because he had enough blackberries for two pounds of jam and the flies were showing too much interest. And “the mother’d have the tea ready“.

103-IMG_0831-BonoIsGod-1.0

God, recently

It’s not big or clever

Sometimes serious, sometimes not. Work it out.

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