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Tag Archives: religion

Atheists Need To Leave Christmas Alone, Do They?

11 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

atheism, bullshit, Cinco De Mayo, elitism, exclusivity, Groundhog Day, Harvey Milk Day, religion, Rosh Hashanah, stupidity, Xmas

Oh really?

  • Americans, leave St. Patrick’s Day alone, it’s for the Irish only.
  • Animal haters, leave Groundhog Day alone. I said leave Groundhog Day alone. Groundhog Day. Alone. Alone. And St. Francis Of Assisi Day.
  • Heterosexuals, step away from Harvey Milk Day.
  • Peace lovers, move away from the observance of D-Day Remembrance and Veterans’ Day.
  • Mothers, don’t even mention Fathers’ day.
  • Fathers, … you know the rest.
  • Infidels, forget about Ramadan, Muharram and The Prohet’s Birthday.
  • Gentiles, if I hear you even say Purim, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur or Hannukah I’ll be on you like a spider monkey.
  • Non-consumerists, stay in your homes on Black Friday. And Cyber Monday too.
  • Non-Witches, you may not celebrate Halloween with your kids.
  • Only people whose offspring have offspring may participate in Senior Citizens Day celebrations.
  • If you don’t work, Labor Day is not for you, pal.
  • If you celebrate Cinco De Mayo and you’re not Mexican, you can expect a visit soon.
  • Singletons may not even make mention of Valentine’s Day.
  • Forget Kwanzaa if your skin colour is not on the approved list.

Seriously? Are you fucking retarded? Merry Xmas.

Warning: the message above may contain sarcasm. Not for the hard of thinking.

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Understanding Evolution

10 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in religion, science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

apes, darwin, DNA, evolution, family tree, genetic, genetics, mutate, mutation, religion, species, stupid, theory of evolution, wilfully ignorant

Enough is enough.

This is one of the most misunderstood topics there is. It’s really simple. The problem is that it’s not intuitive. So, unless you learn it properly, you’ll listen to the misleading nonsense and fail to grasp its simplicity, beauty and truth. I’ll explain by example.

Evolution is NOT this:

  1. An animal lives in a place where it has to stretch its neck high to reach leaves (its food).
  2. It stretches for a lifetime, eating and stretching.
  3. It dies, eventually, having stretched its neck two millimetres longer over many years.
  4. Before dying, it gives birth to offspring with slightly longer necks (passing on the trait).
  5. They live their lives in the same way, stretching, adding more length to their neck length.
  6. They pass on this trait to their offspring.
  7. And so on, until a thousand years later, you’ve got a giraffe.

Don’t be impressed by misleading images such as this:

BbCVZ4cCMAAXtoQ

Pseudo-science, masquerading as fact

Evolution IS this:

  1. An animal exists, it has poor eyesight. Let’s call this a Flob.
  2. Another animal exists, it has eyesight similar to Flob. Let’s call this a Gloop.
  3. Another animal exists, it has eyesight similar to Flob and Gloop. Let’s call this a Yeti.
  4. The Yeti prey on the Flob and the Gloop, when they can find them. (Poor eyesight)
  5. The Flob has offspring, the offspring have a tiny genetic aberration whereby their eyesight improves slightly.
  6. The Gloop has offspring, the offspring have a tiny genetic aberration whereby their eyesight degrades slightly.
  7. The Yeti catches more Gloop than Flob because the Gloop can see the Yeti coming a little better than the Gloop.
  8. The Flob increase in numbers because they are more successful at surviving.
  9. The Gloop start to die out because they get caught.
  10. This process repeats over hundreds of thousands of generations, over countless millions of years. Some genetic variations provide advantages, some don’t.
  11. This is called “evolution by natural selection”.

This picture is more accurate, but greatly simplified:

A more accurate, simplified representation of evolution over geological time

Important points to remember:

  • The genetic changes from generation to generation are random.
  • Evolution occurs over geological timespans, not over human history timespans.
  • The Flob in the east will mutate into a slightly different animal than those in the west, north and south. This is how common ancestry occurs. Animals move about and their mutations are localised. Consider a “family tree” of species over huge timespans.
  • So-called intermediates have such infinitesimally small variation, it’s difficult to say where one animal “ends” and another “begins”.
  • Some scientists describe evolution as “a series of successful mistakes”.
  • The phrase “survival of the fittest” is described above.
  • If you choose to impose religion on this process, you need to provide proof.
  • Evolution is a process, it has no purpose or intent. It just has effects.

What is meant by “proof”:

  • The “Theory of Evolution” is backed up by a fossil record numbered in the millions.
  • This theory is corroborated by multiple, complementary geochronology methods. Fossils are dated according to where they are found in rock strata, and how old those rocks are.
  • Recent advances in DNA genetic sequence decoding techniques provides further evidence of a “family tree” of related species.
  • Geographic dispersal of species (and their evolutionary relationships) provides further evidence to back up the theory.
  • If any single shred of evidence emerged that contradicted the Theory of Evolution, it is considered debunked and scientists will search for other answers. No such evidence exists thus far.
  • All evidence is subject to peer review, repeat experiment and challenge.
  • Scientific proof, in this case is a colossal amount of overwhelming evidence. Compare this to actual, real religious evidence before you start to knock it.
  • We didn’t evolve from apes, we are a different branch of the tree. And, we are apes, genetically and biologically. Let’s not be arrogant about it.
  • If you ask the question “if man descended from apes, how come there are still apes”, please read the above explanation carefully. If you still think the question hasn’t been answered, you are stupid or wilfully ignorant – you choose. And please read a science book or two.
  • Evolution is a FACT. It’s a theory, but a proven theory. Until a better theory is PROVEN. And this doesn’t look likely any time soon.

Don’t say you weren’t told.

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

Definitive Proof Of God’s Existence Found

03 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in religion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

acupuncunturist, atheism, atheist, blackberries, blackberry, deranged, existence, existentialism, god, monotheism, proof, proof of god, religion, snot, theism

God Botherers all over the globe claimed a victory yesterday after definitive proof of the existence of their god was published.

A self-proclaimed faith healer, acupuncunturist and water diviner from West Cork, Ireland named Joe Smith has shown the world what he calls “inconvertible proof” of the existence of a deity. He calls this deity “God” and says “he’s the one true god. The other gods that exist are all false. I goes to mass fairly regular, like, so I’d know an’ tha’.”

We went to see him on one of his regular fruit picking excursions, down the by-roads of County Cork.

the-tramp

Joe picking blackberries down the road

“I went out pickin’ blackberries the other day and God spoke to me from the sky. I’m not surprised that he did ‘cos I says prayers most days and I’m awful holy. He told me where the blackberries were and said he liked my tee shirt. He had a big beard and stuff. And a big deep voice, like. I asked him if I could take a picture of him with my iPhone and he said yeah so he did.”

“After posing for me, I asked if he’d mind answering a few questions for me and he said yeah.”

“My first question was ‘Is there a God, like?’ and he said yeah. So there definitely is a Him” he told us.

“Then, I asked if there was an afterlife and he said yeah.”

“I said ‘Really, like?’ and he said yeah.”

“So I asked ‘What about the Earth and the Heavens – did you create them too?’ an’ he said yeah.”

“Ha ha“, said Joe, “that’s one right up Dawkins’ hole!”

“God asked me who Dawkins is and I told him he’s that snooty English fella who says he doesn’t exist and he should Google him.”

“He responded right away – because he’s God – that he Googled him in a microsecond and that he knows all about Dawkins now. And that he’s going to go to Hell forever and ever. Amen.”

“There’s all the proof you need, like” Joe said, before texting us the picture he took from his mobile phone. We have included it below to substantiate his story. “Them Atheists are full of shit” he said through a river of snot.

Joe then told us that he had to get home soon after that because he had enough blackberries for two pounds of jam and the flies were showing too much interest. And “the mother’d have the tea ready“.

103-IMG_0831-BonoIsGod-1.0

God, recently

It’s not big or clever

Sometimes serious, sometimes not. Work it out.

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