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Tag Archives: utter horseshit

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

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Tags

acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

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Delilah’s Killer Finally Facing Justice

05 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in crime

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delilah, knife, laughing, Llangollen, panties, utter horseshit, Wales

Investigators working on the 1960’s murder case of Delilah have uncovered stark new evidence. The evidence in question amounts to a full audio confession from the alleged killer, and provides an insight into his motives for the heinous crime.

The unnamed (alleged) assailant was arrested by Welsh police late last night in what was called Operation Pantythrow.

A full transcript of the confession was produced but not made officially available to us. However, some of the main points were leaked to us by an anonymous internal police administration worker named Dai Llewllyn.

The unnamed attacker was reported to have been passing by the house of the victim. On the night that he passed by her window, he claimed to have seen her silhouette against the window curtain and she was in the arms of another man. Having later confronted her on the matter, asking “why” repeatedly, he managed to obtain the murder weapon – a knife – and stabbed her fatally. He claimed provocation as a mitigating circumstance, citing her repeated laughing and taunting. “I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more“, he said, when questioned by interrogators.

DelilahSilhouette

Delilah and some chap, 1968-ish

When asked why he felt he had the right to confront the victim with her alleged deceit, the alleged attacker said “she was my woman” and that her deception caused him to go out of his mind.

Several expert criminal psychologists will be consulted to determine whether this man will be deemed fit to stand trial. The fact that his confession was, bizarrely, sung to police will be also used as evidence in the trial.

The man was later heard babbling in his cell while asking his alleged victim for forgiveness, as he “just couldn’t take any more.” He has indicated that he will also be suing the police for criminal damage caused by breaking down his door during the arrest.

A file has been sent to the Director Of Public Prosecutions.

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