• About

Metazz

~ It's not Metal, it's not Jazz

Metazz

Tag Archives: witless

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

Advertisement

Teen’s “Life Is Over” After An Audition

05 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in telly

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

deluded, dragged the balls, get rich quick, lazy, mansion, smug Dermot, suicidal, sympathetic, talentless, The fucking journey, witless, xfactor

A seventeen year old female student from Bolton, England has declared today through heartfelt sobbing that “this is my life” and “it means everything to me” on a popular TV talent show.

The show, which routinely ridicules the slow and witless, showed Sharon Slumley bawling like a slapped ginger stepchild while telling us how important winning the competition was to her.

She described the several hours of diligent preparation she underwent so that she could stand in front of wealthy judges no more qualified than Paddington Bear to spot good music when they heard it and many millions of misguided members of the public who prop up these fools with the notion that they know what they are doing and have a modicum of talent themselves.

“I practiced in front of me mirror singing into a brush. I had me iPod playin’ all sorts of music our Dave downloaded for me last week. What more do they want me to do? I’ve given everything I have to this industry. It means everything to me. I can’t do nowt else” she whined to a background of minor key piano music which eventually came to a crescendo just before the program showed the 90 second audition.

Her performance of Mariah Carey’s “Hero” was cut short by one of the Irish ones after she missed her cue, sang in the wrong key and forgot the words. But her recovery was swift, and after some persuasion and refusal to leave the stage she sang the first few lines of Whitney Houston’s ballad “Saving All My Love For You” with no musical accompaniment and with no obvious musical ability. Two burly blokes in monkey suits convinced her that the audition was over. We were then treated to the backstage kicking and spitting as she was escorted off the premises. Later, the teary-eyed songstress had calmed down enough to tell the show’s presenter that her four year old wouldn’t have anything to eat now and asked the viewers “how can I go on?”

Bollox

How, indeed. Dermot, the smug cocky one, asked her what was next. She told him “I don’t know Dermot. I suppose I’ll have to go back home now, I was hoping to move into my big mansion later today but they’ve gone and ruined all tha’ on me now, the bastads” she continued. Dermot asked her “do you think it’s worth getting some music and singing lessons, then spending some time learning how to perform, practicing under performance conditions and gaining some actual experience before returning in a few years to audition again, or else giving up and trying an alternative career path if it turns out that you don’t the aptitude for it?” After due consideration, her reply was a suggestion, that Dermot should “fuck off“.

Sharon’s mother, a 32 year old “homemaker”, told us today how she felt “Sharon was treated like a right div by them bastads“. She went on to say “they wouldn’t know talent if it they heard it” and “they’re just a bunch of jealous cunts“.

The X-Factor judges voted after Sharon had left the stage and gave her one “Yes” and three “No” votes. The American one with all the teeth gave her the Yes vote after saying she had a “God-given talent and I thank Jesus we were fortunate enough to be here to witness it” while holding her head at a suitable sympathetic angle for the cameras. They dragged the balls of it out for another two minutes before finding out the other judges’ votes.

The Samaritans were on standby tonight for another evening of calls from the deluded and confused.

It’s not big or clever

Sometimes serious, sometimes not. Work it out.

Archives

  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013

Recent Posts

  • Narcissistic Numbers, The Java Code Edition
  • You MUST accept our free service
  • I Love Narcissistic Numbers
  • Atheists Need To Leave Christmas Alone, Do They?
  • Understanding Evolution

Recent Comments

glennwestmore on I Love Narcissistic Numbe…
humanistfox on Understanding Evolution
Louis Barbe on I Love Narcissistic Numbe…
masondan on Are Men And Women Equal?
theirishatheist on Definitive Proof Of God’…

Categories

  • computing
  • crime
  • drums and drumming
  • finance
  • mathematics
  • politics
  • religion
  • science
  • telly
  • war

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Tags

acupuncunturist all nudey atheism atheist baldies ballybgicken ballybricken blackberries blackberry class classy delilah deluded deranged dragged the balls drumming drums existence existentialism Father O'Connor fun gender get rich quick god goolies inflatable hammer Jojo Jojo Mayer knife language laughing lazy Llangollen man mansion math mathematics maths men miley cyrus monotheism MTV narcissistic numbers number numbers P45 panties proof proof of god recreational mathematics religion scrap sex sexism sexist willies short hair sinead o'connor skinheads smug Dermot snot song suicidal sympathetic talentless The fucking journey theism twerping utter horseshit Wales waterford wine witless woman women xfactor

Archives

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Metazz
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Metazz
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...