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Understanding Evolution

10 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in religion, science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

apes, darwin, DNA, evolution, family tree, genetic, genetics, mutate, mutation, religion, species, stupid, theory of evolution, wilfully ignorant

Enough is enough.

This is one of the most misunderstood topics there is. It’s really simple. The problem is that it’s not intuitive. So, unless you learn it properly, you’ll listen to the misleading nonsense and fail to grasp its simplicity, beauty and truth. I’ll explain by example.

Evolution is NOT this:

  1. An animal lives in a place where it has to stretch its neck high to reach leaves (its food).
  2. It stretches for a lifetime, eating and stretching.
  3. It dies, eventually, having stretched its neck two millimetres longer over many years.
  4. Before dying, it gives birth to offspring with slightly longer necks (passing on the trait).
  5. They live their lives in the same way, stretching, adding more length to their neck length.
  6. They pass on this trait to their offspring.
  7. And so on, until a thousand years later, you’ve got a giraffe.

Don’t be impressed by misleading images such as this:

BbCVZ4cCMAAXtoQ

Pseudo-science, masquerading as fact

Evolution IS this:

  1. An animal exists, it has poor eyesight. Let’s call this a Flob.
  2. Another animal exists, it has eyesight similar to Flob. Let’s call this a Gloop.
  3. Another animal exists, it has eyesight similar to Flob and Gloop. Let’s call this a Yeti.
  4. The Yeti prey on the Flob and the Gloop, when they can find them. (Poor eyesight)
  5. The Flob has offspring, the offspring have a tiny genetic aberration whereby their eyesight improves slightly.
  6. The Gloop has offspring, the offspring have a tiny genetic aberration whereby their eyesight degrades slightly.
  7. The Yeti catches more Gloop than Flob because the Gloop can see the Yeti coming a little better than the Gloop.
  8. The Flob increase in numbers because they are more successful at surviving.
  9. The Gloop start to die out because they get caught.
  10. This process repeats over hundreds of thousands of generations, over countless millions of years. Some genetic variations provide advantages, some don’t.
  11. This is called “evolution by natural selection”.

This picture is more accurate, but greatly simplified:

A more accurate, simplified representation of evolution over geological time

Important points to remember:

  • The genetic changes from generation to generation are random.
  • Evolution occurs over geological timespans, not over human history timespans.
  • The Flob in the east will mutate into a slightly different animal than those in the west, north and south. This is how common ancestry occurs. Animals move about and their mutations are localised. Consider a “family tree” of species over huge timespans.
  • So-called intermediates have such infinitesimally small variation, it’s difficult to say where one animal “ends” and another “begins”.
  • Some scientists describe evolution as “a series of successful mistakes”.
  • The phrase “survival of the fittest” is described above.
  • If you choose to impose religion on this process, you need to provide proof.
  • Evolution is a process, it has no purpose or intent. It just has effects.

What is meant by “proof”:

  • The “Theory of Evolution” is backed up by a fossil record numbered in the millions.
  • This theory is corroborated by multiple, complementary geochronology methods. Fossils are dated according to where they are found in rock strata, and how old those rocks are.
  • Recent advances in DNA genetic sequence decoding techniques provides further evidence of a “family tree” of related species.
  • Geographic dispersal of species (and their evolutionary relationships) provides further evidence to back up the theory.
  • If any single shred of evidence emerged that contradicted the Theory of Evolution, it is considered debunked and scientists will search for other answers. No such evidence exists thus far.
  • All evidence is subject to peer review, repeat experiment and challenge.
  • Scientific proof, in this case is a colossal amount of overwhelming evidence. Compare this to actual, real religious evidence before you start to knock it.
  • We didn’t evolve from apes, we are a different branch of the tree. And, we are apes, genetically and biologically. Let’s not be arrogant about it.
  • If you ask the question “if man descended from apes, how come there are still apes”, please read the above explanation carefully. If you still think the question hasn’t been answered, you are stupid or wilfully ignorant – you choose. And please read a science book or two.
  • Evolution is a FACT. It’s a theory, but a proven theory. Until a better theory is PROVEN. And this doesn’t look likely any time soon.

Don’t say you weren’t told.

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Your Parents Love You Less When Another Sibling Is Born

21 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ginger stepchildren, grow up, imbecile, lies, parent, parents, PLQ, SOL

Many a parent has sat their little one down, and in hushed tones told them that they will be getting a new baby brother or sister soon but that “Mummy and Daddy will still love you just the same”. Children, I’m here to tell you this is a lie.

Not only is it a lie, but it will be demonstrated here, complete with mathematical proof.

Let’s consider a situation where there is one parent and one child. Let L represent the amount of the parent’s love for that child. L is 100% for the first child. When the next child arrives, and assuming the parent loves both children in equal quantities (ignoring favourites) the value of L reduces to 50%. So far, it’s simple.

Let N represent the number of children. The simple formula for the Parental Love Quotient, Q is:

PLQ = L / N

As N increases, PLQ tends towards zero, never actually reaching it.

Several assumptions are made:

  1. The total of parental love available to all children remains unchanged over time.
  2. The parent does not favour any one child.
  3. Multiple simultaneous births are excluded for the purpose of simplicity.
  4. Both parents love their children in equal amounts.
  5. The love for any one child remains a constant value until the next is born.
  6. Ginger stepchildren are excluded from the mathematical model.

It’s clear that these assumptions are prone to challenge, but for the initial explanation, let’s keep the number of variables low.

This graph charts the PLQ from 1 to 16 (Catholic) children:

PLQ-Graph1

It also shows another interesting value; the Size Of Lie (SOL). This is the size of the lie told to each succeeding child. Note that the SOL value diminishes greatly as the number of children increases. The first child is lied to the most.

The formula for Size Of Lie is:

SOL = PLQn – PLQn-1

With regard to the assumptions laid out above, a Favourite Child Weighting value must be factored in when calculating the PLQ values for your own family. This will also help determine the Size Of Lie from one child to the next and indicates how evil your parents are.

The above theorem will be included in my forthcoming book “Grow Up, Imbecile” which challenges many accepted precepts of family life, but adds a scientific or mathematical viewpoint in order to illuminate hitherto unquestioned dogma.

Are Men And Women Equal?

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in politics, science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

gender, goolies, man, men, sex, sexism, sexist willies, woman, women

Of course not. How could anyone possibly think they are? In order for them to be equal, they would have to be the same. And they’re not the same. Men have willies and goolies, women have mysterious things and lovely round ladybumps. They sound different. They think differently. The ladies live longer, on average. Chaps usually have deeper voices and are hairier on their bodily bits. Usually. Men are usually physically stronger. Usually.

At the molecular level, they are different from each other. The sexes are differentiated on passports, driving licenses and birth certificates. They have different toilets. Different underwear. Different changing rooms in shops. Aisles in supermarkets dedicated to the different products they try to sell us. They smell different.

Because they are different. Logically, biologically, philosophically and actually they are not equal. They’re not even equivalent.

stupid-man-2

I do think men and women should treat one another equally though. Insofar as it makes sense. In the normal course of our daily interaction we should be sex-blind.

When I hear the clamour for “equality” on the basis of sex, I get a pain in my man bits. The word “sexism” has virtually lost its meaning for me. Forget that claim on behalf of your sex, insist on equal treatment on behalf of your species. The sex part is not going to bolster your argument, it’ll merely make you look like a man-hating lesbian. I’m sure this will infuriate some, but to those whose hackles are raised, ask yourself whether it’s simply because it’s so ingrained in you that you cannot conceive of another viewpoint.

The same goes for blokes, of course. Don’t be the whistling builder slob when you’re with your friends (and you’re more courageous) when a chick walks past. In her heels. Sorry, I digressed there.

My point is this: stop demanding “equality”. It’s impossible. We’re not the same. Demand equal treatment, because we all deserve that, regardless of our plumbing.

Budget News: Acupuncture Cure Available For Pregnant Teenagers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in finance, politics, religion, science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

acupuncture, acupuncunturist, budget, charlatans, conmen, deranged, exploding chakra, fee, fixing the country, god, minister for finance, premium package, religion, squandering, utter horseshit, witless, women

There’s great news in the offing for teens who wake up to find themselves up the duff. From January next, it will be possible to dissolve your unborn using the ancient techniques of acupuncture and the cost will be covered by the taxpayer. This comes in the wake of Ireland’s latest budget announcements.

Bleeding heart liberal types will be pleased with the news that the nation’s hard-earned resources will be handed out to tramps who put it about a bit too much, and who don’t take the proper precautions. Us “normals” can take succour from the fact that the state will be preserved from footing the bill for nappies, prams and gripe water for the many unwanted rugrats.

Religious zealots have been quick to point out the benefits of such a scheme.

“It’s entirely natural, because it’s just needles in your skin, and the feeshus just dissolves. So it’s natural and very feng shui!” said a red-faced sweaty priest who had clearly done his research. The ancient cleric wished to remain anonymous. He told us “I’ve checked with the New Testament, and it says that this is OK with God. As long as there’s no homosexuals involved, and no morning after pill, it’s grand. And I know the Pope will be OK with that too.” When we asked him what scriptural references he invoked and how he knew about Papal consent for such actions he muttered something rude under his breath and stormed out in an arrogant huff, as if we had challenged his authority and we were not worthy of further discourse.

Hippie Farts

We spoke to the proprietor of the New Age Healing Unicorn shop in the centre of the town. Grand Swami Pat Flynn told us what this will mean to him and his clients: “There is lovely warm karma coming from the government of this great nation. It means that I can heal the lovely young ladies in the town who find themselves in the pudding club through no fault of their own; those who the universe selects for procreation before their time. I can release their negative energy through aura massage and the miracle of acupuncture. Through manipulation of the chakra, identification of the subject’s petal colour, the incessant humming of mantras and payment of the correct fee (plus tip), the life force can be channeled down the drain with no lasting ill-effect on the subject vessel. We also include incense, warm stones and goat oil for free with every release of chi. But only for the Premium package.”

We asked the shop owner what medical qualifications he had and what were the proven scientific benefits of acupuncture, and he answered “Do not mock what you do not understand. I thought you were sympathetic, but now I see that you are not. I have not made claims.”

We were asked to leave the premises.

We called the office of the Minister Of Finance for comment on the unmitigated squandering of taxpayer money on a bunch of loose slags but they refused to speak to us. They said the minister was busy this week getting his horoscope done and most of the next week getting his ley lines re-energised and to call back between 3 and 4 on a Saturday if we were a Leo, Virgo, Cancer or Aquarium, or between 4 and 5 if not.

Ladies, Drinking Wine Makes You Classy

13 Sunday Oct 2013

Posted by Alan Shanahan in science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

class, classy, song, wine, women

Ladies, we’re happy to report some good news. Scientists at the Princeton Institute for the Study of Thirst (PIST) have completed their research on the effects of drinking wine in large quantities and often. It helps you to escape from the tedium of normal existence and hide temporarily in a fug-filled world of happiness and giggling. But there’s more – their research indicates that regular consumption of fermented grape juice elevates you at least one notch on the class ladder.

Hmmmm ... nice

That’s not the only good news, though. If you post regularly on Facebook that you drink lots of wine, especially those little pictures with regurgitated wisdom on them with phrases such as “I just rescued some wine … it was trapped in the bottle” or “I enjoy long walks … to my wine rack“, then your entire social circle gets to know just how classy you really are.

Round it off by adding pictures of you having just the most fun as a sloppy drunk, being picked up by your other drunk friends after a little fall, or helping them up in a comically clumsy way and everyone gets to see your sheer class shine on through. For an air of je ne sais quoi, add a photo of the table with some wine glasses – framed by a sunset if possible – to ensure the world knows that your dependency is complete and all-encompassing.

The science just works. Stay classy, ladies.
😉

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